


True Love

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Feelings Realization, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Implied/Referenced Break Up, Introspection, Love, M/M, Past Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Self-Worth, canon compliant until series finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 03:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30116442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: During his second bachelor party Alec learns something about his relationship with Magnus, his feelings for Jace and most importantly he learns something about himself.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Pre Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 23
Kudos: 35
Collections: SHBingo 20-21





	True Love

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the SH Bingo square: Friends got them together
> 
> Thank you Windy for the amazing banner 💙💙

Alec sighs when Izzy appears in his room, grinning from ear to ear, a blindfold in hand and with no intention of accepting his no. He knows when he is defeated - she beat him once already in exactly this technique - so he just bows his head and lets her fasten the blindfold. Obediently he lets her take his hand and follows her wherever she leads him. He just hopes that there won’t be too many people this time. His last bachelor party only with Jace was nice, probably the best thing about his first attempt at a wedding. After the kiss. Of course. 

Alec sighs again, this time relieved, when he pulls the blindfold off his head. He’s still in the Institute, in one of the rarely used rooms. 

“Have fun boys,” is the last thing Izzy says before she turns around and leaves, putting a locking and silencing rune on the door, making Alec wonder what for. But then Jace is in front of him, giving him a slightly awkward but heartfelt hug and the door and the runes are forgotten. 

“Guess it’s you and me again.” Jace smiles at him, a little sparkle in his eyes Alec cannot quite place. 

“You and me,” Alec agrees, smiling back. He feels his shoulders drop as he instantly relaxes. _You and me._ “So what’s the plan?” 

Jace just shrugs and laughs. “Actually, just like the last time. There is none. Just the two of us spending some time together. Before your big day.” Jace’s laugh cracks a little at the end, something it normally doesn’t do. 

“What’s wrong, Jace?” Something in his Parabatai’s voice startles Alec, though he cannot pinpoint it. Not yet, anyway.

“Nothing is wrong, Alec. Want something to drink?” But before Jace can distract him, Alec reaches for his chin to turn it towards him. To force Jace to look at him. 

“It’s you and me, Jace. Why don’t we cut the pretense? Something is wrong and I have the whole evening to find out what it is.” Alec’s eyes roam over Jace. Now Izzy’s earlier comment that not only he needs a distraction but also Jace, makes so much more sense. 

“It’s just… it’s your big day - your second big day, at that,” Jace adds with a wink, “I don’t want to ruin it.” 

“Spill it.” Alec doesn’t give in easily, he still holds Jace captive with his stare.

Jace doesn’t give in either, he just stares back at Alec. But Alec is patient. He does have the whole evening. And night. And morning if necessary. He stares until Jace falters and admits defeat.

“It’s just that Clary and I broke up.” 

“What? Why did she-?” But he is interrupted by Jace’s eyeroll. 

“She didn’t do anything. I broke up with her. I just… I just couldn’t pretend any longer, Alec. And I realized that it’s just not fair to her. So I told her the truth. That I like her, a lot, but that I don’t love her.” Jace swallows dryly, his Adam’s apple bobbing slowly in his throat. He avoids Alec's eyes and goes to the small fridge Izzy must have brought to the room and put in the corner of it. He fetches two cans before he settles down on the couch. Still avoiding Alec’s gaze, but holding one can out to Alec. 

Alec tries to shake himself out of his shock. He has to admit he didn’t see that coming. Jace always seemed so swoon by Clary… though Alec also has to admit that the last times they talked, it was always about him and Magnus. Not really a lot about how Jace was doing or feeling or coping with all the mess that happened in the last weeks. Alec stares at Jace’s outstretched hand, lost in his thoughts. 

“There is also stuff with alcohol in it? I can mix you one of the cocktails Magnus coe-... convinced you to like?” Jace manages to cover up his slip nearly effortlessly, but Alec heard it anyway. 

“No, Coke is perfect. Thank you.” He opens it to take a sip, smiling contentedly when the sweet flavour hits his taste buds. Grateful that Jace knows what he likes. Though Magnus tried everything, he still doesn’t really like alcohol. But to make Magnus happy, he pretends he likes the oversweet cocktails he creates him that mask the alcohol slightly but not enough. Alec doesn’t really see the point in drinking alcohol anyway. He likes who he is, he finally does, so he doesn’t want alcohol to turn him into someone he isn't. Even if he is more _fun_ or more _adorable_ when drunk. Not his own words, though. But it seems, he is one of the few people who see it that way, as people constantly shove alcoholic drinks in his hands. And sometimes it’s just easier to take them than decline again and again. 

Just Jace seems to know and accept it, but of course Jace knows him better than anyone. They’re Parabatai after all, and have known each other for years. Unlike Magnus, whom he knows just for a couple of weeks. Three months, to be precise. Nothing much, in fact. And yet, he decided to pledge his forever to him. His stomach takes a leap at that thought and he hastily takes another sip. But he cannot help the feeling of dread settling in his belly. The same that threatened to overpower him before Izzy barged into his room and took charge. The same dread he felt in the night before his supposed first wedding. But it’s normal to feel nervous, isn’t it?

“You okay, Alec?” Jace brushes with his finger over Alec’s hand. “You seemed miles away for a moment. If you worry about me, you really don’t have to. I’m fine. I know the timing is not the best with your wedding and all, but I just couldn’t live like that any longer. Really, I’m fine.” 

To his own astonishment, Alec knows that Jace is. He feels a calm in the bond that wasn’t there before. “No, actually, it’s not that. I just thought that it is nice that you don’t offer me alcohol like everyone else.” 

“Yeah…” Jace takes another sip out of his own can. Also Coke, as Alec states. “You know, I never really liked that behaviour of the others... And I found it always a little odd how important it seemed to Magnus that you like alcohol. At the beginning I was worried that... you know… he uses it to make you more compliant and do something you are not okay with. But then our bond told me that you were happy, so I just let it slide. But I gave him the shovel talk, just in case.” Jace winks at Alec, his finger still brushing over Alec’s hand, before he retreats it slowly. Alec misses the soft touch instantly. 

Alec smiles at that. “I know. Magnus was a little freaked out about our connection. But no, he never did that. Well, he really tried hard to make me like alcohol, but not for _that_. But maybe you should work on your shovel talk. He broke up with me only a few weeks later. And well, then we broke up again.” Alec’s smile freezes on his face. What started as a light joke, slowly turns into something serious. Something that takes Alec’s breath away, but not in a good way. In a very bad way. It feels like he is slowly submerging under water with no chance to breathe. 

“Hey, but you got back together.” Jace brushes over Alec’s hand again and Alec grabs it, holding on to it as if it's his lifeline. And frankly, Jace always has been that. Even in their darkest times when they fought each other like never before. Even when they both said and did things that hurt the other. When the whole mess with Valentine, Jonathan and Clary started. 

“Yeah, we did.” Twice they decided their relationship was worth another try. But they never talked about what made them break up in the first place. About all the lies between them. That Alec chose his own people over Magnus. And what that says about him. Them. Their relationship. That Magnus broke up with him in front of the sick room of his little brother Max, and what that did to Alec. Alec knows that Magnus still hasn’t truly forgiven him that he didn’t recognize Magnus when he was in Valentine’s body. And it still nags at Alec that he should have. But they never speak about any of that. 

Just as they never speak about the fact that Magnus lied and told Alec that he was just fine when he lost his magic to Asmodeus. Why he never felt comfortable enough or even the urge to find comfort in his lover’s arms, but chose to suffer alone. Why they never seem able to talk to each other when it truly matters. They are good at the grand gestures. Crashing a wedding with a kiss. Making a proposal when the world is about to end. They truly are good at these big moments. But they lack in the small. They lack the trust to talk about feelings, the unpleasant ones. It’s easy to talk about how happy you are. It’s so much harder to admit if you aren’t. But shouldn’t they be able to talk about that before vowing to spend their lives together? Shouldn’t they at least be able to talk about that in retrospect? Alec feels the answer to his own questions pulsing in his blood. They should be able to talk about these things. They should have talked about it. But the truth is, they never did. They never do. And Alec feels himself drown a little faster. Sinking a little deeper. With less air left to breathe. 

They also never talked why Alec felt the urge to fix Magnus when he was hurting, instead of talking to him why he was hurting and trying to work things out. 

Alec takes another sip, swallowing before biting his lip. Tomorrow is his wedding and he should be happy. But the feeling deep down in his guts reminds him too much of the emotions he felt before his first. He agreed to marry Lydia out of his sense of duty. To empower the Lightwood family name. But he was not truly himself back then. More a puppet on a string, held by the Clave and his parents. Seeing Magnus standing there in the aisle was such a relief. A way to break free. To become a little more the person he could and should be. Suddenly it was easy. The kiss was easy. Grand gestures. It was a way out of a dead-end-street. And he gladly took it. Not realizing that it just led him to another. A different road. But with another dead-end. 

After the wedding he hoped to have time to become himself. With his sexual orientation finally being in the open, he hoped to be able to find out who he truly was. That he could stop hiding. He had hidden behind his feelings towards Jace for a very long time. Behind Jace’s unattainability. Behind them being Parabatai. That there was no Parabatai curse they discovered only later, when he was already with Magnus. 

But though he had hidden behind those feelings, the truth was the feelings were real. And they are. He just decided to not hide behind them any longer. He decided to pursue his own happiness. With Magnus. Not seeing that first he should have tried to be happy with himself. Not realising that now he was not hiding behind his feelings for Jace any longer, but behind Magnus. And it was easy to hide behind Magnus. Magnus was everything he wasn’t. Self-confident, loud, experienced. And loving and caring towards him. 

He tried so hard to please Magnus, to become a man he could love that he forgot to find out who he wanted to be. To be a man he himself loved. That Magnus was so keen to make him drink is just one thing, but a thing among others. And Alec let Magnus do those things. The alcohol is just one of the things that show him that Magnus doesn’t really know him. And how could he? It’s just been three months. And half of it they spend apart anyway, caught up in their different break ups. Alec’s hand that is not holding on to Jace shoots towards his throat, trying to remember how to breathe. 

“You know, you don’t have to do this tomorrow, Alec.” 

Of course Jace knows what he is thinking. Jace nearly always does. Because Jace knows him in a way Magnus never will. Jace is part of his soul. And part of his heart. 

“If he really loves you he will understand and give you the time you need. It is a little crazy to get married so soon and without a real base for a relationship anyway. And the role of a little crazy is already occupied by me in our Parbatai pair. And you were never keen on marrying in general. He will understand.” Jace rubs soothing circles on the back of Alec’s hand. 

“Why did you really break up with Clary?” Suddenly Alec looks up. It is nudging him ever since he heard the news. There is something new in their bond, something different. Something he needs to know. 

“As I said. I realized that I don’t love her. Your whole wedding made me think about my own future. My own feelings.”

“And do you love someone else?” Alec looks Jace in the eyes and sees everything fall into place like the most beautiful jigsaw. His chest widens as air starts to fill his lungs. Slowly, but it does. It would be so easy. Just as kissing Magnus at his first wedding was easy. Another grand gesture. Another losing himself in someone else so that he doesn’t need to find himself first. But he knows he has to. He knows he has to get it right this time. Because all good things come in three and he can’t ruin it. 

Jace doesn’t answer, but he also doesn’t have to. Alec knows. Jace knows that Alec knows. It’s just as sudden and out of thin air than the realization that he really cannot marry Magnus. And not only not marry him, but also not be with him. Because Magnus will never know him like Jace does. He will never know Magnus like he knows Jace. And most importantly, he will never love Magnus like he loves Jace. Being with Magnus is exciting, but he never felt like he could truly be himself in this relationship. With Jace, it’s like coming home. But nevertheless, he needs to be himself first. Just on his own. 

“I’m sorry, Jace. But I can’t.” Jace looks at him before he nods. He wants to withdraw his hand, but Alec grabs him harder. “I can’t marry Magnus. I can’t be with him. Because I don’t love him. At least not like that. But I also can’t be with you right now. Although I really think I love you like that. But I need to find me first. I need to find out who I am alone before I can be myself in a relationship.” 

“I can wait, Alec. However long it might take for you to figure things out, I will wait. The Angel knows it took me very long to figure out who I am. But even if it takes you just as long, I’ll be waiting for you.” 

“Really?” Alec sees the surface of the water again. It’s getting lighter and he feels like he can soon breathe.

“Of course, Alec. I would wait my whole life just to spend one day with you. When you are ready.” 

Jace takes their joint hands and presses a kiss to Alec’s knuckles, setting Alec’s body on fire. Alec knows it’s the right thing to do. To wait and not lean in and press his lips to Jace’s instead of his knuckles, as he desperately wants. But he owes it to Magnus to talk to him. About how he feels, something he should have done so much earlier. He owes it to Jace to sort things out first. And most importantly, he owes it to himself. 

“It won’t take that long. I just need a little time to find me. To be able to truly get lost in you.” 

He hears Jace’s breath catch in his throat at this confession, before he presses another kiss to his knuckles. “I won’t go anywhere.”

And Alec knows he won’t either. Jace has always been his one true love, and apparently he has been Jace’s either. They have been and will always be each other's. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little different to what I usually write, so I am curious what you think. Kudos and comments are loved 💙


End file.
